This is why so many marriages fail. In the beginning happiness is easy. Yet when the weight of life begins to push down on the happy couple those feelings of happiness can seem to fade away. There are good days and bad days. And on a bad day you might not feel very happy and even begin to think that your marriage is not all that you thought it would be, not what you signed up for.
To Love Even When it Hurts
“For this reason a man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.”
~ Genesis 2:24
One flesh. You can’t get more united than that. Two become one. When a couple begins to see themselves as a unit, as a team, as one, that’s when a marriage really starts to take shape. It’s God’s way of taking two self-centered people who spend every waking moment in practical adoration of themselves and teaching them through each other how to love like He loves, to give all of themselves, even when it hurts. Because as any of you who are married know all to well, sometimes it is hard to love. Sometimes you’re not in the mood to love. You don’t always want to go out of your way to do something for your spouse.
But it is in these difficult times that we must love all the more. For as Jesus Christ taught us—through His passion, death, resurrection, and ascension into Heaven—love is sacrifice. It’s hard, it’s messy, it hurts, but it’s all worth it. And in those difficult times, when you feel like there is no hope, when you don’t feel warm and fuzzy, when it seems impossible to love, that’s when the real test comes. That’s where you prove that you meant what you said in your vows. Not for your friends, or for your family, or even for God, but for each other. You made the promise to your spouse—a commitment, a covenant.
The Devastation of Division and the Beauty of Unity
The real key and goal of marriage is unity. Happiness is a welcome side-effect.
“If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.”
~ Mark 3:24
In His infinite wisdom, Jesus shared this warning with us. And it speaks powerfully to the truth that if there is not unity in a marriage, it will not work. And if two have become one only to find themselves desperately seeking to walk two distinct paths, then there is serious trouble ahead. The results of this division in marriage has devastating effects on us as couples and as individuals—dare we mention the children and even society at large. For Jesus gave us another warning:
“What God has joined together, no human being must separate.”
~ Mark 10:9
A promise is a promise. It doesn’t end just because we are unhappy. The mere fact that we are unhappy is all the more reason for us to to be faithful to the commitment that we made, to love each other no matter what. Remember a marriage is a team, two people committed to loving and leading each other into deeper union with God. And when that happens, that’s when the sacramental grace, God’s special gift, will “bear fruit thirty and sixty and a hundredfold” (Mk 4:20).
Then you will start to experience the joy that only He can give. The unity which you strive for will become a deep reality bearing bold witness to the power of true love. You will learn from your own lived experience that marriage isn’t easy, but it’s beautiful when you get it right.
How Intimacy Leads to Unity
Sex is good. And it plays an important role in marital unity. However, intimacy is much more than physical pleasure. Intimacy is the deep connection you share with your spouse. It can be achieved many ways: talking, touching, spending time together, giving gifts, and acts of service. This oneness, this togetherness is what intimacy really is and it brings a husband and wife to true unity of mind, heart, and soul.
But when there is no intimacy, when a couple begins to seemingly drift apart, it becomes very apparent that unity is lacking. And once again, this is the crucial time when we must act—even in contrary to our feelings—and step out in love, even if it seems impossible, even if it doesn’t seem to make a difference. For on an unseen level, this sacrificial love, this intimacy plants the seeds of unity in the hearts of the troubled couple and continues to take root and grow into a great tree.
We need each other. In our efforts to love one another, we witness the power of God’s love and grace. How important it is to speak the “love language” of your spouse. If you haven’t already done so, read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman in which he outlines the five basic ways couples can live in intimacy and grow in unity. I mentioned them briefly above, but the book goes into further details. The point is, we all speak differently the language of love, yet knowing and understanding the best way to express that love in a way that your spouse is receptive to is essential.
So the challenge is this: strive for unity in your marriage. Seek intimacy. Love even when it hurts. Then sit back and enjoy the fruit of your sacrifice.