The Disillusionment of Prayer
There are myriad ways we can ruin our prayer, but the most common is expectation. You expect to pick up the Bible, open to a random page, and read a passage that will jump out at you and change your life forever. Now I’ll admit I have had that experience before, and it is wonderful when it happens, but what if it doesn’t? Then I feel like my prayer wasn’t fruitful, that I did something wrong, or that God is not happy with me.
In The Seven Storey Mountain, Thomas Merton tells of his experiences becoming a Trappist monk. There is one account where he explains that he would rejoice when given moments of solitude so that he would have “plenty of time to pray”.
“I jumped into bed and opened the Bible at the Canticle of Canticles and devoured three chapters, closing my eyes from time to time and waiting, with raffish expectation, for lights, voices, harmonies, savors, unctions, and the music of angelic choirs. I did not get much of what I was looking for, and was left with the vague disillusionment of the old days when I paid down half a dollar for a bad movie.”
~ The Seven Storey Mountain, Book III, Chapter IV
How often have you heard people say “I didn’t get anything out of it” when rating their recent experience at Mass. Heaven touched earth, God spoke to them, and Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God, gave Himself to them and physically entered into them in a most powerful way, yet they didn’t get anything out of it! What they really mean and should say is that they didn’t feel anything.
I think this is where the real problem lies.
Focusing on Feelings
Feelings are great, good or bad. Yet, when we are focused on our feelings, on our emotional reaction or response to what God says or doesn’t say, does or doesn’t do during our time at prayer, it robs us of a true encounter with God. Our focus during prayer should not be ourselves or our feelings, but on God. Period.
“Lord, lead me past emotions, ’cause they change with the wind.”
~ Matt Maher, The Heart of Worship
I’ll admit I do this all the time. My lack of emotional response during prayer makes me feel like it’s not working. But when I really think about it, the times when God has most powerfully spoken to me or acted in my life aren’t moments of great consolation. It is usually only in retrospect that I am able to “see” what God has done, or realize how He has spoken to me.
“Do not seek the consolations of God, but the God of consolation.”
~ St. Teresa of Avila
I don’t want you to get the idea that it’s bad to feel good during prayer. If God grants you that consolation, great. Praise God! But don’t expect it. And more importantly, don’t miss it if it doesn’t come.
The Unnoticed Works of the Invisible God
I’m reminded of my baptism. At 23 years-old, I expected the gift of being able to see “the heavens opened and the spirit of God descending like a dove” or to hear the voice of God proclaiming “This is my beloved son.” Of course, looking back with the eyes of faith I “see” that this is exactly what happened, but at that moment I didn’t feel anything, other than a few drops of water trickling down my forehead and the nervousness of being the center stage in front of a church full of onlookers. Nevertheless, I look back on that moment now and see the power of God at work in me.
I’m sure you’ve had similar experiences. Think of the conception of a child. Neither of the parents of that child “feel” anything, most times they are completely unaware of the event until the body begins to show outward signs. The same is true in prayer. Many times we are unaware of what God does in our hearts until we see the fruits of that internal transformation in our external actions. An authentically holy person does holy things not because they are great people, but because God, Who is holy, is at work in them.
When you experience the gift of an intense emotional response during your prayer, enjoy it, but move on. Don’t come to relish those moments or dwell on them, much less to expect them. For when they are gone, you will miss them, and you will stop at nothing to get them back—no doubt experimenting with various methods of prayer and meditation. But you will be missing the point. You won’t be seeking God, you will be using God to make you feel good. And that’s not what prayer is meant to do.
Question: Are there moments when you didn’t necessarily “feel” or “hear” God? Looking back are you able to recognize His presence?