The Challenge of Children
My wife and I participate as presenters at marriage preparation retreats a few times a year where anywhere from 40 – 60 engaged couples come together over the course of a weekend to “prepare” for marriage. We are fairly new to this, but we share our experiences along with another couple who has been married for much longer, and a Catholic priest who provides his perspective on his “marriage” to the Church.
Throughout the retreat we seek to help provide the couples with a deeper understanding of what they are getting into and also to give them the tools and offer them practical tips they will need to make their marriage work.
Many, if not most, of these couples express their fears and apprehensions about having children. Having kids is usually not even on their radar at this point in their relationship. So when the topic surfaces it is often something they have never really openly discussed before. And when they do it awakens dread. Kids are scary!
Why Do We Fear Children?
Having children is scary because up until that point our lives have been almost exclusively self-centered—our thoughts, dreams, actions are directed towards me, me, me. Children have a way of grabbing hold of us, shaking us up, and setting us right. They force us to become other-centered. This is uncharted territory for a first time parent. Even in the Bible we find this phenomenon.
Rubens, Massacre of the Innocents, Toronto
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“When Herod realized that he had been deceived by the magi, he became furious. He ordered the massacre of all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had ascertained from the magi.”
~ Matthew 2:16
Herod too feared what effect the child Jesus would have on his fame, fortune, and power. Instead of take the risk he murdered hundreds or thousands of children. Think of the millions of babies who have been ripped from the sanctuary of the womb and destroyed because of their parent’s fears.
The other fear is that they will upset the progress we are making towards achieving our goals, which for most people are financial in nature—purchasing a home, launching a business, forwarding a career. They don’t think they are ready. We tell them, “you will never be ready”. That’s sort of the point.
The Bollywood film We Are Family (Netflix | Amazon) tells the story of a divorced couple attempting to maintain some sort of relationship for the benefit of their three young children. Three years after the split the ex-husband introduces his new girlfriend to the children which no doubt causes unrest. However, when the ex-wife—Maya—comes down with terminal cancer she realizes that someone will need to fill her shoes when she is gone and she reluctantly requests the help of the new woman—Shreya.
SHREYA: I can’t do this.
MAYA: Why?
SHREYA: I’m a career woman, Maya… not the mom type.
MAYA: If you are a woman then you are the mom type. Let me tell you. Every girl has this mom type hidden in her as soon as she is born. Career women like you forget this, but when the time comes you will remember everything.
SHREYA: Look, I can’t.
MAYA: Scared that you will fail? Can’t take the challenge? Chicken?
SHREYA: Don’t blame me if things go wrong.
Maya’s explanation is one of my favorite lines in the movie. It speaks to the truth of our current career-centered, money-driven culture. As she so wisely puts it, we have become so focused on financial success and stability that we set aside our natural, God-ordained role as parents, as co-creators. It’s not just some fanciful idea a few crazy people came up with, it is written into the core of our very being. We are only reminded of this in account of Creation.
“God created mankind in his image; in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and God said to them: Be fertile and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it.”
~ Genesis 1:27-28
Children = Challenges = Blessings
As I already mentioned, children are definitely a challenge. But, what is a challenge other than an opportunity for growth? And isn’t our purpose as human beings to grow in holiness, to learn to love as God loves? Once you understand and accept this primordial precept, it becomes unabashedly obvious that children are a blessing.
In my first two years as a parent, I personally have been challenged again and again to step outside of myself, to turn my love away from myself and towards others, specifically my wife and children. It isn’t easy and it is a difficult lifestyle to break, but I’m thankful that God has used my children to reveal Himself to me in powerful ways—giving me glimpses of His love in their embraces, of His joy in their smiles, and His peace in their tiny sleeping selves.
Never before did anyone else take precedent over myself. In another recent film Blended, Drew Barrymore’s character—another divorced single mother raising two young boys—shares some words of wisdom when she explains that as a parent 99% of your life is for your children, the other 1% is reserved for you. How true!
Of course, for those without children that sounds like a ridiculous situation to willing enter into. But only once you’ve experienced the fulfillment of parenthood—of selfless and unconditional love—does it become apparent that children are a blessing, a gift through which God teaches us to love like He does. Is this not the purpose of our earthly lives?
Question: What fears do you have or did you have about becoming a parent? How does the media and our modern culture feed this fear? In what ways has God revealed Himself to you through your children?